I Don't Want to Feel That

I Don't Want to Feel That

This photo has nothing to do with the post. I just like it.

I've been on a decent high the last couple of months.

Every now and then anxiety tried to creep in but it got squashed rather quickly.

Yay coping mechanisms!

In therapy, we're working through my childhood trauma and it couldn't have come at a worse time.

See, I'm happy. I'm advancing in my career. My hair is blonde, I'm getting much sleep, and I just kicked butt in a meeting.

The last thing I want to do is talk about the abuse on behalf of my sperm donor.

But that's kind of the whole purpose of my visits.

Boo.

So, we're doing EDMR, where you follow this light from left to right while holding these vibration things (I literally don't know what they're called) that sends a tiny vibration to each hand depending on the light.

It sounds more cooky than it is, but I suck at describing things, so roll with me.

This time I thought about the time I was seven, getting a whooping for something seven-year-olds. It wasn't a major event or something so terrible, which makes the entire situation horrible in and of itself.

Anyhoo...I'm going through this exercise, then thought about the chain effects of further occurrences.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"OK. What are you feeling right now?"

"Pissed, and I'm having a good day so I'd rather not feel pissed."

"Then we'll stop."

The biggest mistake I made was thinking that once I felt good I wouldn't have to talk about the crap in the past. It's in the past.

But she's right-- if I avoid it because I'm feeling good now when something triggers said memory I'm going to go on the opposite end.

Expletive.

But that day, that time in therapy I didn't feel like going through it. I wanted to stay happy. I wasn't in the mood nor prepared to feel upset, angry, or on an off chance that hell started freezing over...cry.

So we left it at that. I drove off after wishing everyone a happy holiday and went on to enjoy the rest of my week.

At the end of it though, I'm going to have to go through the motions. I need to really get to the heart of it because it's blocking other aspects of my life (but not dating. That just seems exhausting).

But that day, I said, "I didn't want to feel that."

So I didn't.